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Ken Mehlman
---- Ken Mehlman - former campaign chief for The Greatest President and former Chairman of the Republican National Committee during the most successful years of the War on Terror, is a confirmed bachelor who's been called "quite a catch" by beards single ladies in the Capitol. Mehlman resigns Just days after the 2006 election, Mehlman announced that he won't run for another term as GOP chair. He stepped down in January, 2007. He said he had always planned to leave. Election results didn't have a thing to do with it. Nothing. Mehlman said, "I want to spend more time with my family." When reporters pointed out that he doesn't have a wife and kids, Mehlman raised his arms with forefingers pointed to the sky and shouted, "We are family!" Reporters were confused until Mehlman signalled to a DJ behind him on the podium. The pounding disco beat of the immortal Sister Sledge hit "We Are Family" filled the room. Mehlman began dancing on the stage. He motioned to reporters, "Come on guys. Get up here. Get it on!" Background Mehlman came into politics as "a Reagan Republican" in 1990 and made his name as chief of staff for members of the Texas Congressional delegation. Like all GOP House staffers, he had to pretend to be friendly with the "Velvet Mafia" that controls so many powerful House GOP staffs, but he insists that he did not get along all that well with those guys. Really. He almost never attended the nightly after-work soirees in Mark Foley's office. In 2000, Mehlman was field director for the Bush-Cheney campaign, before landing the plum job of White House Director of Political Affairs. In his spare time, he volunteered to help staffers in the Faith Based Initiatives program set up revival meetings. It's ''pure coincidence'' that those revival meetings were scheduled in various swing states. In 2004, Mehlman became Campaign Manager for the Bush-Cheney re-election campaign. He was appointed chairman of the Republican National Committee after the election. Workin' it "He earned those jobs the old fashioned way," says one former associate. "He got to know every cute guy in the West Wing and in the House. He 'worked it' around the clock -- weekends, nights, and early mornings. He kept his head down and his butt firm. He made 2004 happen. "He and Karl Rove are a terrific couple," the former associate adds, "but Ken was the chief operating officer." Mehlman is such a cutie that even Donna Brazile, the fiercly partisan, lying, devious manager of Al Gore's campaign in 2000, likes to pinch his cheeks. "I've played with them all: Lee Atwater, Karl Rove, Ed Gillespie," Brazile says. "They are all descendents of Lee Atwater. Lee was like a water moccasin: when you hit him, he came right back at you. Ken is not like Lee or Karl Rove. He has a moral compass that points directly to the magnet in his right pocket. Plus, he's cute as a button." Then she offers high praise. "He's not a snake," she says, adding "Those rumors about his 'equipment' are pure wishful thinking by Kirk Fordham and that crowd." Responding to scandal As chairman of the RNC, Mehlman has been point-man in refuting phony charges by Democrats that there is a "culture of corruption" in the GOP. "That's absurd," he insists. He points out that most of the so-called "bad apples" like Duke Cunningham, Bob Ney, Scooter Libby, Katrina, Jack Abramoff, Conrad Burns, Harriet Miers, and the unfairly persecuted Tom DeLay "didn't kill anybody," and that those charges about Abramoff and the Florida murders haven't yet been proven. Mehlman also didn't discuss Joe Scarborough and Lori Klausutis. And besides, Mehlman insists that we should ignore what the liberal media try to tell us about Mehlman and GOP super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Ken Mehlman does not know Jack Abramoff. Never met him. Never talked to him. Never posed for pictures with him. Wouldn't even know him if he saw him wandering out of Karl Rove's office. Abramoff is dead to Ken because Abramoff was obviously a Democrat. And besides, he hardly ever invited Ken to join him on his field trips. CNN truthiness In November, 2006 CNN demonstrated that they coming slightly closer to being it-getters. But only slightly. In a transcript on their website and in the late-night taped feed of Larry King Live, CNN edited out something that guest Bill Maher said about Ken Mehlman. They also forced YouTube to pull a clip of that part of the original program. The transcript, showing edited portions: *MAHER: A lot of the chiefs of staff, the people who really run the underpinnings of the Republican Party are gay. I don't want to mention names, but I will on Friday night. *KING: You will Friday night? *MAHER: Well, there's a couple of big people who everyone in Washington knows ... who run the Republican party. *KING: You will name them? *MAHER: I wouldn't be the first. I'd get sued if I was the first but...you know. Ken Mehlman, okay there's one. I think people have talked about. I don't think he's denied it when people have suggested it. He doesn't say he isn't gay. *KING: Ken Mehlman? I've never heard that. But the question is... *MAHER: Maybe you don't go to the same bathhouse I do, Larry. *KING: Why would someone who is gay take public anti-gay positions? Why would you .. why would you ... do that? *MAHER: Because Larry, hating yourself is the greatest love of all. *KING: That's a great way to close out this segment, it's very poignant. Clearly, CNN producers and lawyers get it just enough to realize what's really poignant: RNC lawsuits. Factoids * As the result of his religious piety and his not being married, Mehlman is the world's oldest virgin. See, kids? Keep your legs closed and you'll be just like Ken. * Mehlman joke: "What do you call a dictator with a nuclear bomb?" (Wait for it...) "You call him sir!" * Prefers disco dancing to a quiet night listening to show tunes with Karl Rove. * Is not Director of Operations for DHS Office of Marriage Protection. (Is too!.) Coming Out of the Closet Ken Mehlman is not gay! That is a libural lie! Mr. Mehlman was just cleaning his closet from the piles of junk and clutter that has been accumulating for years. The gayness clutter needed some fresh air, that is all! Anyone who continues to suggest that he is gay will be in a lot of trouble for he will sue y... ...ahem, I am sadden ton inform you that Mr. Mehlman has fallen ill under the influence of Teh Gey disease. He was promptly taken to a church to administer the cure but it was already too late... he is now gay, very very very very gay... but the good news is that he has not betrayed the principles and values of the republican party! Hang in there, buddy! We will find that cure for you, until then try to block any gay thoughts from your mind! See Also *Larry Craig *Sean Hannity *Young Republicans Internets Sources * [http://www.colbertondemand.com/videos/The_Colbert_Report/Colberts_The_Word_Russian_Dolls Stephen Colbert explains GOP scandal management (ColbertOnDemand)] * [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72iUF5C1th0 Mehlman is a Fabulous Republican (YouTube))] * Mehlman hagiography * [http://youtube.com/watch?v=NzhWdK4tYHg Jon Stewart hears Mehlman talking point (YouTube)] * Teh Geys claim Ken Mehlman as their own * Ken Mehlman treatment for gayness approved. Will be sent to Jesus Camp next week